I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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