i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
