i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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