I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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