Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
