it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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