I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
