my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
