I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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