Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize