You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
