I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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