as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
