i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
