Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
