he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
