apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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