I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
