woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
