I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize