i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
