Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this beer tastes like vomit already
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
