you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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