Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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