i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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