I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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