Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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