Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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