it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
