His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
