My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
