im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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