ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
