also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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