go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
