the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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