i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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