So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
