When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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