ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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