I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
