i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
