70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
