So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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