I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
