it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
