i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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