Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
so much tequila, so little girl.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How does one acquire holy water?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
