i was born a porn star she said
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
