is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
