Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
