So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
