RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
