if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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