my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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