I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
