Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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