Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize