I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize