She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
