I want to stick my p in your. b.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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