a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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